Blessings

So, the house came through. The place that I thought we weren’t getting is ours. Papers signed and key in hand. We move in this weekend.

2014-08-07 12.45.29

The kids are very excited and much will need to be done to be ready. All the chaos brings its own level of stress especially for the little dude, but knowing that this will be over and settled soon makes it easier. We are so thankful to everyone for the prayers and support.

2014-08-07 12.35.53

 

Always Love,

Domoni

Having a night.

Feeling pretty defeated right now. The house hunt is not going well and time is ticking away. We had a place where the guy made me feel like I was going to get it but then tells me there is an applicant ahead of me and he approved them. I feel toyed with. And considering how I got into the house hunting situation that isn’t a great feeling.

2014-06-28 17.13.01

Our littlest Thalia will be going to her new home this week 😦 🙂

Our situation just sucks. It is near impossible to find someone who accepts cosigners. Apartments really don’t like it. I just don’t make enough money to do it alone though. I am starting to get really scared and desperate. We will probably end up living in the camper. That isn’t a horrible thing, except the age of the camper means parks wont accept it for monthly stays. So again we have to find somewhere to park it.

10440903_10203703142877705_812000501499180791_n

Eph getting tired with his pup Lovely waiting on a house viewing that didn’t work out.

I am struggling to stay positive. The kids are having a hard time too. Ephraim has been crying off and on for the last hour and I can’t even figure out why. Today was pretty easy for him, he just hung out with Grandma, but now he is an emotional wreck headed for meltdown city.

Which is only going to get worse over the next few days. We are starting to thin the herd here. Yesterday I put word out to rehome our tortoise shell kitty and a friends grandma is going to be giving her a new home. Tonight, I have to put it out there to rehome Ephraim’s kitty stormy. He is not thrilled by this as you can guess. Every conversation we have had about that has gone very badly.  My parents are taking on the chickens, so that is at least one worry that I don’t have to deal with now. Eph was not a fan of getting rid of them wither. I hate having to break my kids hearts over and over again.

381613_2506963112031_810308560_n

these two have been near inseparable since we got her.

This whole thing just sucks. In less then a month, we will most likely be homeless. That is how it is looking right now. I am bouncing back and forth between anger and despair. This is not how children should be raised.

537432_4855780751004_1928495710_n (1)

Eph is pretty angry at me about having to let her go 😦

We had River’s social security review today. The transition over to his own file now that he is 18. I was pretty nervous about that, but it went well. Now we just have to wait and see if they are going to decide that because he is 18 his disability has suddenly disappeared, because yeah, that is how autism works didn’t you know.

We are still trying to figure out Ephraim’s disability and we just started the process of getting me approved to provide childcare for a friend. If that all goes smooth, I will actually have some money coming in and wont be so stuck. but of course I can’t make any of that happen before the deadline for moving is here. So it doesn’t really help right now.

sad_birthday_m-200x200

oh yay

I am tired of crying. I am just so tired. My birthday is in less the 2 weeks. So hey universe, could you please cut me a break.

Always Love,

Domoni

http://www.gofundme.com/Dreaming-of-home

Today was rough

Today was rough, yes I titled this entry that way but it bears repeating. Eph, my sweet little 9 year old baby, he is so confused and so heartbroken. This boy loves animals more then anything and is devastated when I mention how hard it is to find a place that will let us keep all of our furry and feathered friends. He didn’t sleep good last night. I wish I could shield him from all of this. He has had a few meltdowns today, which have been few and far between lately.

Autism and uncertainty do no mix.

1393785928566

would love to credit this pic but dont know who made it.

You cannot expect a child who thrives on comfort and routine to understand that once again things have to change. I tried so hard to make this the last move of his little life. It isn’t fair, but life never is.

Before we moved here, River begged me to make it the last move. I promised him it would be the last place we lived before we were able to buy a house. I told the landlord we needed a long term place and she was great with that.

Yes, I am starting to see how this isn’t 100% her fault, but the way she is handling it is.

My babies are scared, I am scared.

I talked to the lawyer today. I have a few options but all of them end up with us moving as soon as possible. The landlord finally sent the notice in writing that she wants us out by August 15th. The Lawyer says I can fight, but the judge will see in my favor but also hers. Essentially if she can prove she cannot afford to make the repairs, then she can break the lease. If she starts eviction process, I will forever have an eviction on my record even if we win. So the lease doesn’t really protect me at all.

6a00d8357f3f2969e201761597fd3d970c

would love to credit this pic but dont know who made it.

Autism is in full effect at home today. I don’t know how to make it better. I am trying to find ways to keep them as busy as I can. Move the focus to family time and not sit around and dwell.

Autism fixates.

It doesn’t matter what I do, Eph wants to talk about it all the time. He has so many questions I cant answer. He is starting to stash and hoard things. Rocks and pine cones and toys he hasn’t touched in a year. Becoming obsessed with these items associated with this house. He says he wont move unless it is just like this house. I can’t give him that.

It is so hard to not be able to provide for my kids the life they deserve. And I know people are trying to encourage me when they say “they are loved and that’s what matters” Love is amazing but it doesn’t keep a roof over your head or food in your belly. Love does not protect you. I can’t love them into a stable home life. I wish I could.

money

I am trying so very hard. How am I supposed to make things better. I can’t work outside the house. I tried to start a business but that is hard and you have to have money to put into it and I used every dime I had and my mother put more money into it then she should have and It isn’t working.

I have no more options on where to go for help. So we have to move again. I have to find them a new home. Pray it is a safe home and somewhere we can stay until I finish school. A month doesn’t feel like enough time. And the money part scares me, I know my mom wants to help me but it is so hard to be dependent on your mother at 35.

Right now, tonight, I feel like a failure. In my life and for my kids. Autism is kicking my ass, Porphyria is holding me down. and life just keeps kicking the dirt in my face. What kind of mother can’t provide for her children.