Today was rough, yes I titled this entry that way but it bears repeating. Eph, my sweet little 9 year old baby, he is so confused and so heartbroken. This boy loves animals more then anything and is devastated when I mention how hard it is to find a place that will let us keep all of our furry and feathered friends. He didn’t sleep good last night. I wish I could shield him from all of this. He has had a few meltdowns today, which have been few and far between lately.
Autism and uncertainty do no mix.
You cannot expect a child who thrives on comfort and routine to understand that once again things have to change. I tried so hard to make this the last move of his little life. It isn’t fair, but life never is.
Before we moved here, River begged me to make it the last move. I promised him it would be the last place we lived before we were able to buy a house. I told the landlord we needed a long term place and she was great with that.
Yes, I am starting to see how this isn’t 100% her fault, but the way she is handling it is.
My babies are scared, I am scared.
I talked to the lawyer today. I have a few options but all of them end up with us moving as soon as possible. The landlord finally sent the notice in writing that she wants us out by August 15th. The Lawyer says I can fight, but the judge will see in my favor but also hers. Essentially if she can prove she cannot afford to make the repairs, then she can break the lease. If she starts eviction process, I will forever have an eviction on my record even if we win. So the lease doesn’t really protect me at all.
Autism is in full effect at home today. I don’t know how to make it better. I am trying to find ways to keep them as busy as I can. Move the focus to family time and not sit around and dwell.
It doesn’t matter what I do, Eph wants to talk about it all the time. He has so many questions I cant answer. He is starting to stash and hoard things. Rocks and pine cones and toys he hasn’t touched in a year. Becoming obsessed with these items associated with this house. He says he wont move unless it is just like this house. I can’t give him that.
It is so hard to not be able to provide for my kids the life they deserve. And I know people are trying to encourage me when they say “they are loved and that’s what matters” Love is amazing but it doesn’t keep a roof over your head or food in your belly. Love does not protect you. I can’t love them into a stable home life. I wish I could.
I am trying so very hard. How am I supposed to make things better. I can’t work outside the house. I tried to start a business but that is hard and you have to have money to put into it and I used every dime I had and my mother put more money into it then she should have and It isn’t working.
I have no more options on where to go for help. So we have to move again. I have to find them a new home. Pray it is a safe home and somewhere we can stay until I finish school. A month doesn’t feel like enough time. And the money part scares me, I know my mom wants to help me but it is so hard to be dependent on your mother at 35.
Right now, tonight, I feel like a failure. In my life and for my kids. Autism is kicking my ass, Porphyria is holding me down. and life just keeps kicking the dirt in my face. What kind of mother can’t provide for her children.