Not a great day today.

Having an emotional day. Feeling really discouraged. I think I am stretching myself too thin. I am having to manage the boys school, my schooling, keeping up the homestead, and then there was Easter. It is all a little rough sometimes.

We planned an Easter get together this last Sunday and the boys got really excited for it. It didn’t work out. Half the people didn’t bother to respond and the others cancelled last minute. I understand because the three groups who most wanted to come had to deal with illness and you cant control that, but it was hard on the boys. We still hunted eggs and I tried to make things a bit more festive for them. Mostly they played a video game together on the xbox and they enjoyed that.

Sometimes I feel like I am doing it all wrong. Like I am cheating them out of life. River wants a friend so bad. He just doesn’t know how to get one. Ephraim is so happy to have a friend now. They still miss out on so much. I keep trying to plan things but I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to give them more. 

It hurts to watch my boys struggle. The crappy part is I know how they feel. I am trying so hard to feel like I have a connection to someone. I have people that I see on occasion but I don’t really have a friend. I don’t have someone I talk to. Someone who knows me and makes time for me and that sucks. I am not great with people and relationships. I don’t know why. I guess some of the choices I have made contribute to the end of friendships. I had a friend I was close to for years but that friendship ended and no matter how much I have tried to repair it it is broken and gone. It is hard to watch all the people who were so important to me slip out of my life. 

I have a new friend, who is my kids best-friends mom and I like her a lot and she is probably the closest I have right now. But we are just getting to know each other. IT takes time.  So I am kind of in the same boat as my kids. We all just want someone to want us. Is that stupid? I don’t know. It is hard though and it hurts.

I am starting to lose hope on the fundraiser I started. It was a good idea. I just don’t know how to make it work. I still hope to eventually be able to give the boys something amazing. It may have to wait until I finish school and am financially solvent. I hate that I can’t give them that joy. I hate that I always have to say no and see their sweet eyes cloud with disappointment. 

We were given this amazing opportunity to attend BrickCon in Tacoma this weekend. To sell the soaps and such. But I don’t think I can afford the travel and all that entails. It is a 6 hour trip there and back Friday Saturday and Sunday. I am still trying to figure it all out. That may be the only way I can raise a good amount of money. The thing is River’s birthday is in a little over a month. School ends around June 13th. so I have a little longer then that to raise the money and arrange the trip and it just may not happen. I feel really disappointed in myself.

I think I need to just shift focus.

Ephraim has had it really rough lately. Things have been much harder for him to comprehend and he is struggling. We have some more referrals going out for new therapists. I am hoping to get things more stable for him. River is plugging along, he is doing really well in school and Loves going into class and seeing his teachers. I feel bad it doesn’t seem he has connected with any one there and didn’t really make a friend this year but he is doing ok. He has been more emotional lately and I am probably going to put him back into therapy too.  While I am at it, I should probably just find me a counselor too. I need someone to talk to. It is really hard to feel alone and while I know things are going better, things are still really hard.

Autism takes over your life. It is hard to take it back. I would give so much to just give them something amazing. Something normal. Something that gives them that moment of magic. I Just want to give them a big win. Does that make sense?

If you read this ramble of emotions, thanks for sticking with me.

Always Love,



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